From Blame to Self-Control: Navigating the Voices Within

“I needed to write something for my psychology class, which I’m graduating with a certificate in just three weeks! Also, for my Leadership Coaching program, which I’m hoping to launch sometime in September. Now, when you read this, ask yourself if it reminds you of someone. Someone in a high authority position who, after reading this and understanding how it’s being used in current events, makes you question: is this effective leadership? And if you reach the same conclusion I did, then we must vote them out. We have to, for our own sake.”

I think we all have two voices inside us: the voice of love that helps us, and the voice of fear that holds us back. My leadership coaching is all about emotional intelligence, which I’ve developed a personalized program. I want to reduce fear and help people discover what they’re really meant to do. Hence, the reason for this article.

Deflection is like dodging responsibility by blaming others. It’s a typical way to skip over feeling bad. This learned behavior usually comes from wanting to protect how you see yourself or avoid trouble. Deflection, which causes those with trauma or low self-esteem to blame others regularly for bad stuff, can be a coping strategy. Now, let’s return to the blame game, often driven by the voice of fear.

Understanding Blame: The Voice of Fear

The voice of fear tells a story that often begins in the past:

“Somewhere in my past, I learned to feel shame, long before I understood how to set boundaries. I was afraid someone would expose my shame, leaving me feeling unprotected and powerless. This led to a distrust rooted in fear and a deep reluctance to be vulnerable. So, I repressed my shame, discovering it numbed the anger, hurt, and sadness I was trying to erase – essentially, trying to deny my shame.”

“Driven by fear, I learned to control my feelings, thoughts, and actions, lest someone discover my secret. Observing the world, I began to believe I could reverse my past by taking control of my destiny.” “This meant achieving power and success to compensate for my shame, rising above the ‘common man’ whom I perceived as powerless. Money, I realized, offered the illusion of more power, a necessary tool for success.”

“I began to maneuver my life toward that goal, believing that once there, I’d make the decisions, gain security, status, financial stability, and true control of my destiny. With each step, I felt a certain godlike quality, creating the illusion of being more important than others. To maximize this illusion, I sought out those less secure and weaker than myself, exerting power over them – to bully. And always, to blame others rather than take responsibility for my actions.”

The Mechanics of Deflection What’s gonna happen? Shifting blame.

Deflection serves as a shield against vulnerability, shame, or guilt. For some, admitting fault or taking responsibility feels incredibly difficult, particularly if they equate it with weakness. By shifting attention to others or external factors, deflection can maintain control. Those with low self-esteem or narcissistic traits might deflect to safeguard a perceived image of perfection or superiority. Although meant to avoid discomfort, deflection often worsens conflict by hindering open, honest dialogue.

To avoid personal accountability, protect their ego, or cope with challenging emotions, people frequently resort to blaming others. This functions as a defense mechanism, providing a swift escape from feelings of guilt, shame, or vulnerability. Blame can also serve as a means of maintaining control or venting suppressed anger.

Why We Blame

Shifting blame usually comes from wanting to dodge responsibility. When people blame others, they avoid admitting their part in a bad situation; it’s much simpler than owning up to errors and what follows. Plus, blaming safeguards the ego by pinning negative results on outside forces instead of owning personal shortcomings, thus maintaining a false sense of self-worth. Blaming, aside from protecting the ego, also handles challenging emotions such as guilt, shame, or anger.

Furthermore, in situations that feel uncontrollable, assigning blame can create the illusion of control by pinpointing a cause and someone to hold responsible. Therefore, blame can also serve as a defense, shielding individuals from criticism, negative repercussions, or even fear of closeness. Unresolved issues from childhood or previous relationships are sometimes the root cause of blaming others.

Blaming, in the final analysis, is a learned response picked up from childhood experiences or by observing others. Blaming others often points to low self-esteem. People who do this frequently feel they need to be perfect, fearing that mistakes will reveal their flaws.

The Illusion of Control: Anger and Narcissism

Blaming involves holding someone responsible for a fault or transgression. We frequently shift blame onto others for many things: they made us late, they made us feel guilty; they pushed us into a choice, or they triggered our anger. This inclination to blame breeds unproductive emotions such as resentment, anger, and hatred. In the end, we pin our own negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on other individuals.

Narcissistic manipulators often try to seem better by putting others down, thinking that making others look bad somehow makes them look good. They also tend to exaggerate when talking about themselves, frequently boasting about their wealth, job skills, how superior they are, how envious others are of them, their popularity, and generally how amazing they are. They mainly operate through deceit or, at the very least, severe exaggeration. They’ll often inflate their accomplishments, making them appear far more significant than they are.

At first, their tales might be a bit unclear, perhaps leading you to give them the benefit of the doubt, even if things seem questionable. But eventually, it becomes clear that most of what they say is simply untrue.

Narcissistic manipulators are truly fake, fragile, and cowardly. Though they seem strong, branding others weak and easily offended, they are quick to bully. But, expose their lies or stand up to them, and they’ll suddenly play the victim: “I’m under attack! Someone help! You’re the real bully! They’re so awful to me!”

Often, people who are quick to blame others are actually giving their anger too much control. They see it as something caused by outside forces, rather than an internal response they have the power to manage. This makes anger feel unavoidable, but it still comes at a cost, particularly when they avoid acknowledging how their own actions might have led to a better outcome. These individuals often struggle with low self-esteem, feeling that any mistake will expose their weaknesses.

Shifting Towards Change: The Voice of Love

Psychological distress can stem from cognitive distortions, or inaccurate thought patterns. But twisting reality can also look like blaming others for our fate. Here, blaming indicates the assignment of responsibility for errors or offenses. Blaming others is frequent, with claims like, “Someone is responsible for my lateness,” or “She created my feelings of guilt” or “they forced me” or “he provoked my reaction.”

Ultimately, we end up blaming others for our own behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. To shift this behavior, a genuine desire for change is key. One must realize how the voice of fear steers them towards paths that are ultimately unhelpful and debilitating. Through positive direction, one must surrender.

The Voice of Love Says... ‘I give up the illusion of a self that I created to offer me a false sense of protection from anger and being hurt. My parents unconsciously projected their feelings of helplessness and powerlessness onto me. Because they could not respect my feelings, I felt abandoned and, therefore, unworthy. This triggered self-doubt, which sabotaged my desire for control in order to achieve and find success. This left me with an unstable sense of identity and uncertainty about where to draw the line between others and myself.

Through ‘self-love’, I learn to accept myself for who I am. I like success, to achieve and win. But how can I truly win if I don’t know who I am? Therefore, I must chart the course of unmasking my shame by getting back to the core of self. It begins with knowing I have the courage and strength to pull away from the need to control by turning within. Discipline, through silence and serenity, tames the ego’s strong need for external approval. As long as I am present and focused on my center, I am in control of myself. No one can ‘make’ me feel anger, hurt, or sadness. I have faith and hope. I feel safe because I have boundaries, and I can say no. More importantly, I do not have to feel godlike by having power over others because I know that ‘God is within me’.”